Aw Crap!

Copywrite 2009
By Kyle Ervin

So I’m in my daughter’s room the other day, down on my hands and knees sniffing at the carpet. I’m sniffing under the bed, behind the door, under the dresser… I even sniff in the toy box. You see, Crookshanks (our cat) was accidently left in the house all day and, having nowhere else to go, took a dump somewhere in her room. My wife, with her pregnancy enhanced sniffer, caught the smell as soon as we walked in the door and then promptly sent me on yet another poop hunt.

Anyone who has indoor pets, or a toddler that has learned to take his diaper off, has at one time or another, been on a poop hunt. This one struck me though, because it was my second poop hunt in the same week. It got me thinking about how much of my life has, in the most literal sense, been spent “dealing with shit”.

My life with poop actually started well before I had children. It had to be sometime in elementary school when my parents gave me the chore of cleaning up after the dogs. Generally this wasn’t a horrible task. The messes had usually been sitting around for a few days and had reached a consistency that allowed them to be easily scooped into the shovel. There was the odd occasion however, when one of the dogs had gotten into something, and the poop was not nice firm turds, but a gooey pile of nastiness that oozed through the tines of the rake releasing its odor, causing me to gag. It was way back then that I learned to desensitize my nose to the smell of crap – and what a valuable skill that has turned out to be – Because owning a dog is nothing compared to having kids.

Everybody talks about changing poopy diapers as being the worst of it. The truth is that changing diapers is merely the beginning of it. Changing diapers is relatively sanitary, relatively clean, and to be honest relatively easy. When changing a diaper, with the proper controls, you can remain protected from the poop. You take the diaper off at the front; grab the kid by the ankles and lift. There, neatly contained in the diaper is the poop. Fold it all up and you’ve got a sanitary, albeit smelly little package destined for the trash can.

Things start to get interesting when you get what we in our family call the ‘Explosion Diaper’. This is when, through some unexplained phenomenon, everything literally explodes up the baby’s back. Now, everything is no longer neatly contained in the diaper. It is, in fact, no longer contained at all. I’ve seen poop explosions reach all the way up to the back of the neck. No amount of wipes is going to get that kind of mess clean. And there is no way you’re getting out of it unscathed. You had better hope there is a shower nearby…for you and the kid.

And though we all harbor the illusion that things will get better as the kids get older, there are many more poop hurdles to come before you’re clear.

POOP HURDLES

The ‘Flu Poop’ – A variation on the Explosion Diaper and quite possibly worse. This is when the kid has an upset tummy and no diaper in the world can contain the outcome. This poop finds the path of least resistance and follows it like a little green river. We have thrown entire outfits in the trash due to ‘Flu Poops’.

The ‘Turd Boulder’ – Essentially the exact opposite of the ‘Flu Poop’. The Turd Boulder is the result of insufficient roughage. It’s not quite as nasty as the ‘Flu Poop’, but it can surprise you. Example: I was changing my son’s diaper. I had him lying down on the front seat of the car. I released the diaper’s Velcro and allowed the front to flop down over the edge of the seat…from the diaper rolled an almost perfectly round Turd Boulder… rolling down my pant leg, bouncing off of my shoe and settling onto the parking lot pavement.

The ‘MIA Poop’ – The ‘MIA Poop’ occurs in the midst of potty training. It’s a time when your toddler doesn’t like having poop in his pants but he doesn’t really like going to the potty either….Natural solution: poop in your diaper, take it off at leave it in some seldom explored corner of the house. It is the ‘MIA Poop’ that usually leads to the aforementioned ‘Poop Hunt’ (Recommendation – For carpet use a combination of Nature’s Miracle and Resolve. For almost any other surface, use copious amounts of bleach. For wood floors….what are you thinking…kids are just going to destroy wood floors.)

The ‘Bathtub Poop’ – simple explanation here. It’s just a turd in the tub. The ‘Bathtub Poop’ also usually occurs during the potty training phase when your toddler hasn’t quite figured out the physiological signs that a turd is imminent (Recommendation: A plastic bag and Lots of bleach).

The ‘Bathroom Floor Poop’ – The ‘Bathroom Floor Poop’ is actually a really good sign. It means we’ve at least got the kid doing the deed in the right room (Recommendation: Yep – Bleach is your new best friend).

The ‘Too Much Toilet Paper Poop' – Just when you thought things were getting easier…you’ve got the kid getting their poop into the toilet. Of course, they now want to wipe their own butt. The problem comes when they use half the toilet paper roll to do so. A plunger is not going to help here folks…you’re going to have to pull it out with your hands (Recommendation: rubber gloves and a kitchen trash bag). And dudes, if you think you’re going to get your wife to do this one…good freakin’ luck.

The 'Butt Wipe' – Oh there’s light at the end of the tunnel. The kids potty trained but hasn’t quite achieved the dexterity necessary to ensure a clean butt. So now, mom and dad are on call 24-7 to aid in butt cleaning when necessary.

The 'Butt Check' – You are so close to being free and clear. They’re going on the potty, wiping their own butts and using appropriate (or at least flushable) amounts of toilet paper. Now, all you’ve got to do is give them the post poop Butt Check. This keeps the skid marks down to a minimum.

Finally, your done, you’ve cleared all the poop hurdles. In my family it is usually just about this time that I find out I’ve got another little bundle of joy on the way. And the cycle continues…The way I figure it, the more kids I have means I’ll have a few options when I’m old enough to be back in diapers myself. HEY KIDS DAD NEEDS A BUTT CHECK!

Marrying a Catholic Girl

Marrying a Catholic Girl

Copywrite 2009

Kyle Ervin

So I fell in love with a Catholic girl. It’s not so surprising really. I think I always had a thing for the Catholic girls…the pleated skirts, the knee-highs…oh you know.

The funny thing is that I think God knew I would marry a Catholic and so prepared me for it throughout my life. First, he had me grow up about two blocks from St. Victor’s Catholic Church and School. So, of course, I made fun of all the St. Victor’s kids in their silly uniforms on the way to school each morning. Beyond that, just about all my childhood friends were Catholic, though I really didn’t know it at the time. I just knew that every Wednesday night they had to go to something called ‘Catechism’. I always wondered why I didn’t have to go too, but as I saw it, it was like going to school for one night a week more than anybody else, so I didn’t question it too much.

Then, as I was entering high school, my parents decided (in the hopes of providing me with better opportunities) that I should go to Bellarmine College Preparatory School, an all boys school run by Jesuit Priests. Talk about torture…at the time I was a devout agnostic not to mention in the full throws of hormonal flux. And there I was, surrounded by Priests at an all boys school. Not a fun year, let me tell you.

But the Catholics weren’t done with me yet….Oh no. My most serious high school girl friend….you guessed it. It was through her that I was introduced to such torturous devices as Midnight Mass (where everybody is really just trying to stay awake) and Easter Mass (which is roughly 3 times longer than a normal mass).

And finally, there was college, where two of my three roommates…yep Catholic again.

So when I decided to ask my wife to marry me, I thought I had the whole ‘Catholic’ thing all figured out. Oh man was I wrong.

First you have to understand that my wife’s parents are not your ordinary run-of-the-mill Catholics. They are not C and E’s (only going to mass on Christmas and Easter), they are not dine and dashers (arriving just in time for communion then bolting to the parking lot to beat the rush)…they are go to mass three times a week, statues of the blessed mother in the yard, take your kids to The Holy See for vacation Catholics. In other words, they are what I have come to call ‘Uber-Catholics’. The first time I think I truly understood this was at our wedding. There were SIX Priests there (5 celebrating the Mass and one in the crowd). Not to mention the TWO Papal Blessings bestowed upon our marriage. It was as if God looked down, saw my wife was about to marry me, rubbed his chin and said “Yeah….She might need a few extra blessings for this one.”

And so here we are, eight years later and I think I can finally dole out some advice to those marrying into a Catholic family.

ADVICE ABOUT GOING TO MASS

1) Yes, Mass always seems to come at the most inconvenient time every weekend but make an effort to go. At the very least it will get you out of doing some chores around the house and sometimes they even have donuts afterward.
2) Going to Catholic Mass is like an exercise routine. There’s a lot of standing up and sitting down and kneeling. Don’t let this stress you. You can feel free to sit on your butt in the pew the entire Mass if you want to. I swear Sister Mary Margaret is not going to whack your knuckles with a ruler because you’re sitting when everybody else is standing. However, if you want to make an effort to fit in, just pay close attention to those around you. There’s always someone jumping the gun on the routine. Find that person and you’re golden. If, for some reason you can’t find someone jumping the gun, just feign a bad knee. It’s a great excuse for being a little slower than everybody else.
3) When Communion comes, go up and get a blessing…even if you don’t believe in the power of the blessing. If nothing else it gets you out of the pew in the right order so you don’t have to stand up and get out of the way when everybody comes back to the pew. And you can never have too many blessings.
4) Bring your young children with you. A crying baby is a primo reason to get out of Mass early. Even better, plan to go to Mass right around nap time…I’ve gotten out of it entirely due to a sleeping baby.
5) Bring gum. Mass can sometimes drag on if you’ve got a particularly verbose Priest or Deacon. My wife always has gum for me and the kids when our attention spans are being stretched to the breaking point. Tick-Tacs work too.
6) At Easter Mass it’s a good idea to bring a small towel. The Priests tend to get a little rambunctious when throwing the holy water around.

ADVICE ABOUT CATHOLIC STUFF

1) BIBLES – Be ready for a veritable onslaught of bibles and prayer books. The Catholics have their own publishers and they are not afraid to use them. There are prayer books galore and children’s picture Bibles and Family Bibles and fancy-schmancy Bibles with gold pages that no one ever reads for fear of getting them dirty. You will need to find space for all of these.
2) Rosaries – Rosaries are those things that look like beaded necklaces (they’re prayer beads). You always see them dangling from rear view mirrors. Catholics give Rosaries to each other like the rest of us hand out Starbuck’s gift cards. If there’s any special event, you’re going to get a rosary for it. We’ve got everything from a rosary blessed by the Pope all the way to glow-in-the-dark rosaries for the kids.
3) Crosses and Crucifixes – Be prepared to decorate your house with the numerous crosses and crucifixes you will receive throughout your marriage. I have no less than nine hanging from the walls of my house.
4) Other Books – The Catholics also have a slew of self-help books out there that you will undoubtedly run into. My personal favorite…Holy Sex! A Catholic Guide to Toe Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving. You see fellas, marrying Catholic can be a very good thing.
5) Saints – The Catholics love their saints. They have statues of them, medals with their pictures on them and coloring books full of them. And there’s a Patron Saint for just about everything. My personal favorite – St. Anthony is the Patron Saint of Lost Articles. I can’t tell you how many times he’s helped me find my wallet…or my keys…or the remote control. Yeah, St. Anthony and I are bros.

ADVICE ABOUT CATHOLICS

1) All-in-all they are a very good crowd to be around. The Catholics definitely understand the concept of community and look out for one another very well. When there is trouble in your life they ‘circle the wagons’ like no others. The flip side of this is that if you are planning to marry one of ‘theirs’ you had better expect the Spanish Inquisition. Everybody from the parish Priest to the piano player is going to have some questions for you.
2) There will always be those who will see fit to try and convert you. It is, after all, a major tenant of their faith to spread the gospel. My own mother-in-law , who loves me dearly and who I love dearly, still holds on to hope that I will someday be baptized (we laughingly refer to me as her ‘heathen’ son-in-law). But I have found that when they realize that you are as adamant about your faith as they are about theirs they accept you for who you are.
3) Priests will surprise you. Just because a man wears a collar and has devoted his life to God does not mean that he won’t whoop your butt on the soccer pitch given the chance.

Eight years of being married to a wonderful Catholic girl and these are a few of the things I can pass on to the uninitiated. So if you are married to a Catholic or just thinking about it you can go into it with your eyes wide open. And my last piece of advice… keep your heart wide open too... I think you’ll be pleasantly rewarded.