Aw Crap!

Copywrite 2009
By Kyle Ervin

So I’m in my daughter’s room the other day, down on my hands and knees sniffing at the carpet. I’m sniffing under the bed, behind the door, under the dresser… I even sniff in the toy box. You see, Crookshanks (our cat) was accidently left in the house all day and, having nowhere else to go, took a dump somewhere in her room. My wife, with her pregnancy enhanced sniffer, caught the smell as soon as we walked in the door and then promptly sent me on yet another poop hunt.

Anyone who has indoor pets, or a toddler that has learned to take his diaper off, has at one time or another, been on a poop hunt. This one struck me though, because it was my second poop hunt in the same week. It got me thinking about how much of my life has, in the most literal sense, been spent “dealing with shit”.

My life with poop actually started well before I had children. It had to be sometime in elementary school when my parents gave me the chore of cleaning up after the dogs. Generally this wasn’t a horrible task. The messes had usually been sitting around for a few days and had reached a consistency that allowed them to be easily scooped into the shovel. There was the odd occasion however, when one of the dogs had gotten into something, and the poop was not nice firm turds, but a gooey pile of nastiness that oozed through the tines of the rake releasing its odor, causing me to gag. It was way back then that I learned to desensitize my nose to the smell of crap – and what a valuable skill that has turned out to be – Because owning a dog is nothing compared to having kids.

Everybody talks about changing poopy diapers as being the worst of it. The truth is that changing diapers is merely the beginning of it. Changing diapers is relatively sanitary, relatively clean, and to be honest relatively easy. When changing a diaper, with the proper controls, you can remain protected from the poop. You take the diaper off at the front; grab the kid by the ankles and lift. There, neatly contained in the diaper is the poop. Fold it all up and you’ve got a sanitary, albeit smelly little package destined for the trash can.

Things start to get interesting when you get what we in our family call the ‘Explosion Diaper’. This is when, through some unexplained phenomenon, everything literally explodes up the baby’s back. Now, everything is no longer neatly contained in the diaper. It is, in fact, no longer contained at all. I’ve seen poop explosions reach all the way up to the back of the neck. No amount of wipes is going to get that kind of mess clean. And there is no way you’re getting out of it unscathed. You had better hope there is a shower nearby…for you and the kid.

And though we all harbor the illusion that things will get better as the kids get older, there are many more poop hurdles to come before you’re clear.

POOP HURDLES

The ‘Flu Poop’ – A variation on the Explosion Diaper and quite possibly worse. This is when the kid has an upset tummy and no diaper in the world can contain the outcome. This poop finds the path of least resistance and follows it like a little green river. We have thrown entire outfits in the trash due to ‘Flu Poops’.

The ‘Turd Boulder’ – Essentially the exact opposite of the ‘Flu Poop’. The Turd Boulder is the result of insufficient roughage. It’s not quite as nasty as the ‘Flu Poop’, but it can surprise you. Example: I was changing my son’s diaper. I had him lying down on the front seat of the car. I released the diaper’s Velcro and allowed the front to flop down over the edge of the seat…from the diaper rolled an almost perfectly round Turd Boulder… rolling down my pant leg, bouncing off of my shoe and settling onto the parking lot pavement.

The ‘MIA Poop’ – The ‘MIA Poop’ occurs in the midst of potty training. It’s a time when your toddler doesn’t like having poop in his pants but he doesn’t really like going to the potty either….Natural solution: poop in your diaper, take it off at leave it in some seldom explored corner of the house. It is the ‘MIA Poop’ that usually leads to the aforementioned ‘Poop Hunt’ (Recommendation – For carpet use a combination of Nature’s Miracle and Resolve. For almost any other surface, use copious amounts of bleach. For wood floors….what are you thinking…kids are just going to destroy wood floors.)

The ‘Bathtub Poop’ – simple explanation here. It’s just a turd in the tub. The ‘Bathtub Poop’ also usually occurs during the potty training phase when your toddler hasn’t quite figured out the physiological signs that a turd is imminent (Recommendation: A plastic bag and Lots of bleach).

The ‘Bathroom Floor Poop’ – The ‘Bathroom Floor Poop’ is actually a really good sign. It means we’ve at least got the kid doing the deed in the right room (Recommendation: Yep – Bleach is your new best friend).

The ‘Too Much Toilet Paper Poop' – Just when you thought things were getting easier…you’ve got the kid getting their poop into the toilet. Of course, they now want to wipe their own butt. The problem comes when they use half the toilet paper roll to do so. A plunger is not going to help here folks…you’re going to have to pull it out with your hands (Recommendation: rubber gloves and a kitchen trash bag). And dudes, if you think you’re going to get your wife to do this one…good freakin’ luck.

The 'Butt Wipe' – Oh there’s light at the end of the tunnel. The kids potty trained but hasn’t quite achieved the dexterity necessary to ensure a clean butt. So now, mom and dad are on call 24-7 to aid in butt cleaning when necessary.

The 'Butt Check' – You are so close to being free and clear. They’re going on the potty, wiping their own butts and using appropriate (or at least flushable) amounts of toilet paper. Now, all you’ve got to do is give them the post poop Butt Check. This keeps the skid marks down to a minimum.

Finally, your done, you’ve cleared all the poop hurdles. In my family it is usually just about this time that I find out I’ve got another little bundle of joy on the way. And the cycle continues…The way I figure it, the more kids I have means I’ll have a few options when I’m old enough to be back in diapers myself. HEY KIDS DAD NEEDS A BUTT CHECK!